WHAT’S A MILE AND A HALF LONG AND HAS 4 LEFT TURNS?

March, 2021

Once chronologically an adult a trip to Vegas with your boys ought to be about booze, broads, and (not) bowling as the Canadian Group Moxy Fruvous penned in 1989, but about, well, booze, broads and gambling but then again most of us (except for the trumpster and his misanthropic followers) dislike the misogynistic term broads preferring the term “not boys”, so when Mark called and said “saddle up the horses we’re off to Vegas for the Las Vegas NASCAR 400” who was Brian to say no?  Then again if you were to put together a list of the bottom things Brian wouldn’t watch on TV and would never think about attending in person, a holiday parade and NASCAR, events kicked out of the Olympics like croquet, cricket, jeu de paume (?), pelota (?), roque (?) and rackets (?), as well as standing in line and being on hold would be somewhat more interesting and higher on the list, but then again he and his beloved attended the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade in The Big Apple in person and IT IS PRETTY COOL IN PERSON after all.  Could he be equally as wrong about NASCAR when there with your boys in Vegas and The RACE is part of the experience or after The RACE will NASCAR still stand for Non Athletic Sport That Centers Around Rednecks in his mind or will there be a new respect for the National Association for Stock Car Automobile Racing? 

If “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas,” the big question is how will Mark, Jay, John and Brian make the most of their brief 36 hours in Sin City (with apologies to Frank Miller)? Mark had a plan for exactly that since his high roller status with Caesar’s Entertainment comp’ed him (us) a suite (!) at Planet Hollywood, 3 additional individual bedrooms, dinner at The Strip Steakhouse with transportation and club level (food and drink included) tickets to The RACE the next day.  Throw in some alcohol and gambling, a modicum of sleep overnight, and naps in the car back from Vegas and would all be good come Monday am?

Every hotel and casino in Vegas is fairly much the same – hotel rooms, casino floor, restaurants and maybe a food court, bars, nightclubs and performance venues, and conference/special event rooms. The sophistication of the venue depends on whether or not it tries to cater to families or couples or singles or bachelor/bachelorette parties or whether or not its on the Strip or on Freemont Street or perhaps on the reputation of who plays in the high roller room, whether or not the venue has or will host the WSOP, is the home of the Raiders/Knights/UNLV/Aviators/NASCAR home teams, and, of course, the rep of management. Some of the hotels and casinos have a glamorous lobby that engenders luxury, some lobbies are a throwback to the time of mobsters and the era of Bugsy Siegel and Meyer Lansky, and then there are those lobbies that are functional and pedestrian and Planet Hollywood is one of the latter as a place to check in although that’s not necessarily a bad thing since the rest of the joint may be exquisite.  Brian was duly impressed when the desk clerk called Mark by name, asked about the family, told him she’d let his “host” know he had arrived, handed him the packet of stuff for dinner and The RACE, and had our keys prepared for an easy peasy check-in. 

“Take the correct elevator boys” Mark commented…”we’re on the 36^th floor in an Apex Suite and only 1 bank of elevators makes its way up to our rarified air” overlooking a large portion of the strip with the highlights being a magnificent view of the strip after dark and an eagle eye view across the street of the famous Bellagio fountain water, music and light show that still in this time of Covid takes place every half hour during the day and every 15 minutes at night. 

In we walk to the 1800 square foot suite whose central living space looks just like the room in “The Hangover.” To the left a kitchenette, bar and dining/conference table, in the middle 3 semi-circular couches fronted by a 2-foot high 12 foot across “strippers table”, to the right a clear glass shower complete with strippers pole, and 1 bedroom and full bath down a small hallway – alas, and if you remember the movie, there was no tiger in the bathroom. 

Taking in the scene, Brian’s mind kept drifting off to an era gone by (?) of crazy parties until dawn, guys and dolls, zoot suits and 99-cent buffets long before the corporate conglomerates took over and Vegas became “legit.”

“Go downstairs and get a drink boys” – Mark suggested – “I’ve got to make couple of calls and will join you in a minute, but sit at a gaming table and your drinks are free – don’t go into one of the bars!” And off we went to the land of slot machines and blackjack tables, craps and roulette, of texas hold ’em and other forms of poker, the constant ringing from the slots, modern music pipped in at just a couple of decibels above the level needed for a conversation, no clocks, oxygen rumored to be pumped into the darkened gaming floor populated by all manner of humanity in all manner of undress (or is that dress?) with dealers chosen for their inscrutability and/or cleavage, and a main bar complete with scantily clad women dancing on the top of the bar ala the era of the gogo dancers all in a wholesome smoke-free environment (sic).

Take 3 boys waiting on their leader and the thought that they would follow any decree let alone one about not going into the bars has little or no chance of being followed. 2 beers, a mixed drink and a double with a shocking $71 (gasp!) plus tip bar tab later, Mark had his chance to remind us of his directive but oh – well it was time for dinner and the lemmings followed him up the escalator. We wandered into The Strip Steakhouse; Mark has eaten here numerous times and had nothing but good to say.

“Order up boys…it’s on the house!”  The Dark and Stormys and beers began arriving as Brian made up a series of stories about the scantily clothed women posed in black and white photos on the walls throughout the restaurant as the boys contemplated their appetizers, entrees, and wine selection.  Our waiter was just the best and one step ahead of, well, anyone in the place – it was like he could read our minds, figure out our personal preferences, and assure that a surfeit of food and drink would continuously arrive until the boys cried UNCLE!  An order of oysters, 2 shrimp cocktails, glazed bacon, and another round of drinks arrived and everyone copycatted the other ordering 20 oz bone-in ribeyes in varying degrees of doneness (it is a high end steakhouse after all) – 2 with lobster tail, and sides of au gratin potatoes, creamed spinach, and sautéed mushrooms.  Perfect ordering, or so we thought.  There may be other stuff on the menu, but high-end steakhouses do one thing and should do that one thing especially well…sides should never, never taste like they came from a steam table, au gratin potatoes should not be gummy, truffle enhanced creamed spinach should not be bland, a better quality red wine should not be served chilled (ever!, and with an explanation of “that’s the way we store and serve it”?), steaks should be cooked properly and a more skilled manager could have made us feel right about choosing this steakhouse.  It didn’t take much to figure out that our $800 dinner bill would have been better spent somewhere else. But our bellies were indeed full.

Brian and John had half expected the group to meld into a modern day Rat Pack carousing and carrying on, casino hopping until the wee hours, but it was not to be as the siren’s song of the casino bells and lights and the Planet Hollywood high roller’s card pulled Mark to the craps table.  John disappeared, and Jay and Brian tried to find a more reasonable minimum bet blackjack table where both could sit down.  Jay was kind to his elder and gave Brian a single open blackjack seat, where he sat until a string of pushes with the shoe had him walking away up a few bucks.  The boys saw little of each other until breakfast the next day.

On to The RACE!  

Easy enough to head out to the west side of Vegas, enter a parking lot the size of Rhode Island, and walk the half mile or so to the staging area, which was decked out with merch trailers representing the more popular drivers, food trucks, some cars from yesterday’s race and a couple of classic midgets.  Only 12,000 fans were permitted to attend allowing for a decent amount of social distancing, and the cross-section of people milling about taking in the sights included families with small and not-so-small children, couples of all ages, and studs like the boys many of whom wore the colors of their NASCAR hero – true fans of the sport.  For them it was time to get their grease on…all of the essential food groups fried up and served with some type of sugar disguised as a condiment, grilled and pulled meats, and the requisite grease of the cars themselves.

Getting through the gate was easy, a quick temperature check and showing of the wrist band and we were off to find the elevator to take us to the club level.  It’s pretty impressive walking out of the tunnel and viewing the track for the first time.  The stands and seating area stretched for what seemed to be forever around two thirds of the banked mile and a half oval.  Central to the stands and on the infield was the track’s offices; the rest of the infield was filled with semi tractor-trailers meant to haul the cars, tires, parts, assorted other pieces of equipment, tools and stuff needed to race and care for the cars, motorhomes serving as rolling motel/hotel rooms for the drivers and crew all centered on more garage bays than the Pep Boys ever thought of franchising. 

The “pit area” runs just inside the track itself and before the race was lined with today’s array of Fords, Chevys, Chryslers, and Toyotas, a veritable multi-colored army of 38 “stock” cars waiting for the inevitable “Gentlemen, Start Your Engines!” 

Our seats on the club level were on the main straight away just left of the start/finish line.  After settling-in with snacks and a cold one of choice, Mark and Jay went off in pursuit of headsets so that we could listen to the announcers calling the race, and maybe be able to listen in on a driver or 2 talking with their pit crew, which we hoped would assure us of some colorful NARCAR-style language.

The wait was over, a squadron of jets out of Nellis Air Force Base graced us with a fly-by…

…and the command to “start your engines” was uttered! Cars moved out single file for their pace laps with sound gradually increasing at each turn, fans got up on their feet, and as the cars came out of the last turn the sound became deafening (literally feeling it in your chest) as the green flag came out, the pedal was to the metal and the race officially started.  Cars nose to bumper flew by amazingly without incident (damn!) reaching speeds in excess of 150mph before the first turn.     

The race was run in three parts of roughly equal segments (something about points towards an overall yearly standing for a driver’s place at the end of each), pit stops were made between segments and during the race as necessary, and three and a half hours later, one spin out without incident (damn!), 4 yellow flags, a bunch of lead changes, amazing pit crew performances, and the race was over. 

The headsets brought the race to life and it was fun to listen to the race through the announcers’ eyes; drivers’ language and behavior was unfortunately mature.  Kyle Larson in Car #5 won the race, and the winner’s spinout capped a most enjoyable afternoon.

Neither the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade nor a NASCAR Race were on my bucket list.  I don’t believe that I’d purposely plan on experiencing either again…that is unless it was all part of the adventure.

Brian